What it's like to do a 10-day silent meditation retreat: Vipassana experience
“What was it like?”
I thought for a moment and finally settled on a word that best described my Vipassana meditation experience. “Intense.”
Most people assume that meditation is supposed to be a relaxing experience, and for some, it can be and is. But for me, it’s kind of a hassle. Sitting cross-legged on the floor with my eyes closed even just for 5 minutes was unthinkable, and some days it still is. I always feel like my time is best spent doing some kind of movement, like yoga, HIIT, or running, and not just sitting and physically doing nothing.
But this was exactly my problem.
I don’t know about you, but in the last few years, I’ve gotten extremely caught up in the habit of being busy just for the sake of it. If I’m not going somewhere or doing something or planning to do something, then things feel off. I started to notice the fact that this felt “off” for me and started to wonder why. Be it through listening to music, scrolling on Instagram, exercising, or texting friends, why did I always feel the need to distract myself from the present moment?
What is vipassana meditation, anyway?
“Vipassana meditation is a method of meditation that aims to end suffering by allowing you to see things as they really are.” What did that even mean, I wondered while skimming the Vipassana website.
I’ve known about Vipassana for a few years. If I recall correctly, the first time I heard about it was in 2013 or so from a friend, but I just didn’t know it by its name. All I heard was that it was 10 days of meditation and during it, you were not allowed to speak, look, or communicate non-verbally with anyone. “They” take your phone as well, so there’s no chance of getting in touch with the outside world.
“No way. I would never do that,” I remember thinking. Well, young Steph, never say never.
If you’ve read any of my previous posts about my yoga teacher training or travels in India, then you know that I already had some kind of spiritual practice in place for quite some time. However, yoga was something that was always more of a physical practice for me until I went to India (it sounds cliché, but it’s true). Even during my yoga teacher training, I became more aware of the spiritual aspects of yoga more than ever before. I made friends who taught me how to let go and just allow things to happen naturally, something that didn’t come easily to me. Historically, I’ve felt the need to be in control of things, situations, people, and myself, which in some ways was good for self-discipline, but in other ways, it made my outlook on life a little too rigid. Going with the flow when faced with the many uncontrollable aspects of life has been an ongoing practice for me, especially in the last five years.
I started doing my research on Vipassana by looking for other people’s experiences online. There were some here and there, like blog posts on Medium and whatnot, but not a lot that resonated with me. So, I decided to find out more from friends who had done it. When I asked them, however, their descriptions were very vague. I couldn’t figure out what really happened at these Vipassana centers. Friends would just say things like, “It’s really difficult,” or “It’s so great",” or “You just have to find out for yourself.” One friend who had done it twice said to me, “If you have any curiosity at all, then you should do it.” It sounded a bit cultish to me, but at the same time, I was also intrigued to find out for myself what it was all about.
What is the origin of vipassana?
To quote from the Vipassana website, the method “was rediscovered by Gotama Buddha more than 2500 years ago and was taught by him as a universal remedy for universal ills, i.e., an Art Of Living. This non-sectarian technique aims for the total eradication of mental impurities and the resultant highest happiness of full liberation.” The method has been passed down for many years and is currently taught by a man named S.N. Goenka, who learned the technique for 14 years and started teaching it to others in 1969 in India.
Where and how is Vipassana taught?
Vipassana is taught in meditation centers all around the world. At first, I thought they were only taught in India, but the one I did was in Germany. There are centers all around the world in order to make it more accessible to all.
I assumed that we would be taught how to meditate by a real person, come to find out, every lesson and meditation session during the length of the course was prerecorded, either in an audio file or as a video discourse. The audio files were narrated by Goenka himself and recorded in 1991. It seemed strange to me to go allllll the way to a meditation center for a training course, only to listen to audio files and to watch pre-recorded videos of Goenka explaining the methodology and philosophy of Vipassana. Logistically, however it made a lot more sense; this one man can’t be expected to be at every single meditation course all around the world. Only having him teach the method via recordings maintained its true purity and form. Even so, hearing everything via prerecorded means took a little bit of an adjustment at first, as I prefer being taught by a real person. Nevertheless, it’s been taught in this way for many years, which is actually very tech-savvy when you think about the fact that it only started becoming more widespread in the 90s.
What is the daily schedule like at a Vipassana meditation?
For almost the entire 10-day course, the daily schedule goes something like this:
4:00 a.m. - The first gong rings (Wake up)!
4:30 a.m. - 6:30 - Meditate in the meditation hall
6:30-7:30 - Breakfast
7:30-8 - Rest
8-9:30 - Group meditation in the hall
9:30-11 - Meditate in the hall or in your room
11-12 - Lunch
12-1 p.m. Rest
1-2:30 p.m. - Group meditation in the hall
2:30-4 p.m. - Meditate in the hall or in your room
4 p.m. - 5 p.m. - Meditate in the hall or in your room
5 - 6 p.m. Tea break/rest
6:30 - 7:30 p.m. - Group meditation
7: 45 - 8:30 p.m. - Watch/listen to Goenka’s video discourse
8:30 - 9:00 p.m. - Last group meditation of the day
9:30 - Lights out (bedtime)
As you can tell, the schedule is pretty packed. Admittedly, I didn’t stick to it so strictly on a few days, especially not the waking up at 4 a.m. part. For the first few days, I did follow the schedule pretty closely, but I was super exhausted at the end of each day and would typically sleep through each early morning meditation. Whoops!
Just like my yoga teacher training, waking up early was a bit of a struggle for me, and it’s especially hard to force yourself to wake up when it’s still dark out. To make it more difficult, you’re also waking up and having to sit still for hours at a time. It sounds easier than it is–believe me. I, for one, felt the most pain in my back, ankles, and knees. Fortunately, the center allows you to take as many pilows, bolsters, and blankets needed to make yourself feel comfortable, and I took full advantage of this. If you are really in a lot of pain, you can ask one of the volunteers at the center to provide you with a chair. However, you’re not allowed to lie down when you’re in the meditation hall. If you really need to take rest, you’re advised to do so in your room (and on many days, I took full advantage of this).
Are you allowed to exercise or do yoga during a Vipassana course?
Simply put, no. We were advised not to do any other form of exercise during the course. I thought this would be difficult for me, as I am used to doing some kind of physical exercise daily. After a few days, I was fine with it. I didn’t have the energy to do anything else but walk to and from my room to the meditation hall to the dining hall. During the breaks, we were allowed to walk around the center grounds, which were actually very beautiful and peaceful. The center that I went to in Triebel, Germany had small areas blocked off where we could wander in the woods and in a small field with a pond. It was nice and refreshing to be out in nature and truly made me realize how much I was missing out on in my daily life by just blocking out all the sensations of sight and sound by wearing headphones on my way to work and other appointments. You just stop noticing everything and block out the noise, replacing it with other noise.
Are you allowed to write or journal during Vipassana meditation?
I was hoping the answer to this question would be yes, but again, it was a no. I’m still not sure why, but I think it’s mainly because you’re supposed to keep all the ideas, thoughts, and emotions in your own head. If you write them down on paper, they escape you, and it prevents you from really confronting anything. This was also difficult for me at the start, as I tend to journal pretty regularly. The adjectives I can remember now off the top of my head are pain, discomfort, progress, bliss, boredom, anger, determination, and calm.
What is the Vipassana meditation method?
The first three days of Vipassana were the most difficult for me, as well as the 7th and 8th days. In the first three days, you are just getting used to feeling the breath underneath your nostrils.
That’s it. That’s what you focus on for three days straight. It’s meant to help you really tune your attention to one spot, one point of focus.
On the fourth day, you learn the real Vipassana.
In the most bare-bones way of describing Vipassana meditation, it’s a body scan. If you’ve ever done a body scan meditation before, then this may come more easily to you. If not, here’s what happens: you focus on certain areas of your body, one part at a time, starting from the top of your head and slowly scanning each part in sections with your mind, tuning into what’s happening to your body, paying attention to any physical sensations that arise. For example, I would often feel itchy. The sensations, however, can be anything: sweat, heat, cold, tickling, pulsating, etc.
When you feel these sensations arising, you’re told not to pay too much attention to them, but simply notice them with the understanding of anicca–the law of impermanence.
As a writer, I loved this word. It sounds like “ahh-nee-cha” when spoken aloud, and the idea of It, if nothing else from Vipassana, really stuck with me. When you think about it, this is how life is: ever-changing, arising and passing, and momentary.
Continuing with Vipassana meditation on days four through seven, you start to really learn how often you are in a reactive state. There are little annoyances here and there, physical pain, even happy feelings and thoughts, but over and over again you are told to not pay too much attention to any one particular feeling or sensation, just understand that everything comes and goes. The only way to maintain that understanding and acceptance is to keep your mind equanimous.
In the last few days, I started to feel deeply calm. I was looking forward to it being over, to going back to normal life, and to incorporate what I had learned into my day-to-day activities. On the last day, everyone is allowed to speak again and debrief about their own experiences. I really enjoyed this part, mostly because it was just nice to finally interact with other humans again, especially those you had been around constantly for the last 10 days with no real interaction. Some of them I felt like I knew, but a lot of the time, I was just projecting onto them what I thought they would be like. This in itself made me realize how I can often judge others too quickly and make assumptions about them that have no truth whatsoever. It’s really crazy how your mind really creates its own problems as much as it does its own happiness.
What I learned from Vipassana meditation
Vipassana didn’t make me realize that I am disconnected from the present moment–that’s something I was already aware of. However, it did force me to deal with that disconnect and how to allow myself to notice things without attachment. I've reflected on my past and thought about how I reacted too quickly in times, feeling a strong emotion suddenly rise up and want to force it away. Of course, I can’t say that I always take this time to pause and reflect before reacting. I am still human, afterall.
One thing that was difficult for me to understand was how to not get attached to things in life, especially to people you love.
I asked this question one day to my meditation teacher. This was the only time that we were permitted to talk during the course–you could sign up to meet your meditation teacher each day, for 5 minute timeslots. I only did this one time.
“How can we not get attached to those that we love?" I asked her. It felt impossible.
“Of course, it’s natural to feel an attachment to your parents, friends, loved ones, etc.,'“ she said, “but it’s more about what happens when we are separated from one another and how you deal with it. You can’t live without friendship or love or a feeling of belonging to others, but in time with the continuous practice of Vipassana, you’ll learn to accept the fact that everyone and everything will come and go.”
I know it sounds dark and kind of sad, but actually, I think it really has helped me when I think about all the things that have come and gone into my life in the last few years: friendships, relationships, phases, ideas of self, good or bad habits, happy times, sad times. Everything comes and goes eventually. That’s part of life and something that with practice, everyone has the capacity to accept. Do I feel enlightened? No. Am I still learning? Always. Am I okay with that? Of course.
